Monty Python

Well I have been going through a lot these last few weeks in all areas of my life, and today I was thinking about Monty Python and the Black Night…

Now if I remember right, he’s guarding this bridge and he ends up fighting this other Night and keeps losing parts of his body, but he keeps on fighting He doesn’t give up, He keeps on going, keeps on fighting even though he is losing.

I want to be like the Black Night and keep fighting when I get hit again and again in this battle called life.
Even though I get these not so good reports from the doctor, or lies from the enemy that sound so true ,or feel feelings that seem like they will never go away, or struggle in areas I wish I could conquer and never have to deal with again.
That I would be able to still fight and not feel like how I am feeling now. DEFEATED.

I know I am a child of God that I have been called and chosen for His army, I am still in the training process.
A great warrior isn’t made over night but by discipline and training, working on their skill. A seasoned warrior comes with scars from many battles won and lost.

Here is just one of the many battle scars I will encounter.

Tears

I just want to cry and cry and cry. I feel so dumb for feeling like this. I mean like I should have worked through all these feelings long ago, but I didn’t and now I am and its hard....
I saw my ex today for the first time in almost 2 years. No big deal right... wrong, my heart started to beat really fast and I got butterflies in my tummy and I wanted him to see me yet not, and I wanted to run away. Will I always feel this pain and hurt when or if I see him again??? Will my heart always drop when I hear his name??? Will I always fool myself to think that I have worked through it and when things like this happen only realize that I haven’t fully yet worked everything out?
I feel so alone, there isn't one person I can have a deep conversation with... except the faceless people who read my blog, and then its really only one sided.
why oh why am I so introverted????